Well, dear friends, Michael is a big brother. A little one will be joining us, God willing, in March 2024. We’re so excited, and so nervous. It feels impossible to think of adding another baby to the chaos, and yet it feels so right. Pray for us all!

We had a midwife appointment today and heard the heartbeat. It’s always awe-inspiring, realizing that I’m carrying life inside my body, growing a human. It’s a miracle.

Even though it is a miracle, I won’t try to make it sound pretty: for me, pregnancy is…really rough. This might explain why I’ve been quieter than usual on here and on Substack.

If you interact with me in person on a regular basis, you probably already know about this pregnancy. Just like with Michael, I’ve had pretty debilitating nausea (ergo the illness I referenced in a previous post). It makes keeping a pregnancy quiet nearly impossible. Eating has become quite difficult, which makes functioning as a basic human being quite difficult, which has led to some perinatal depression. I’m very thankful for a kind and supportive midwife, and for medication bringing some light into the fog.

Jake has been the most incredible husband and father, carrying both his job and much of the household work and evening Michael-wrangling while I’m laid out on the couch. He’s also changing basically every poopy diaper because they make me retch and gag.

My parents have been saints, taking Michael so I can sleep when the nausea or fatigue gets to be too much. I am so, so grateful for the support I have. I couldn’t do it without them.

I’m always surprised with how my body and tastes change during pregnancy. My sense of smell is insane right now: I can smell the residue of a candle in my husband’s office when I hug him after work. I can identify the fast food eaten in a car twelve hours earlier. I can smell when my mom pours her glass of wine in the kitchen while I’m in her living room. It’s a crazy superpower.

With Michael, I had very distinct cravings: red meat and lime popsicles. With this pregnancy, I’ve hardly had any cravings whatsoever. Something sounds okay one day and absolutely awful the next. The only thing that’s continued to sound good is Manchego cheese (and just Manchego: no other cheese). It’s an enigma.

I struggle with being outdoors for a long period of time in the heat, as it’s a nausea trigger, so the play set my dad is building has been a lifesaver. While we can’t play for long stretches of time, it still gives him shaded outdoor play: something he adores.

As you can probably guess, all this has made knitting, reading, spinning, writing, gardening, and preserving food take a back seat in life right now. Much of my day is spent lying down, reading books or watching shows with Michael.

While I cherish every moment I’m given with this baby, and am grateful for the miracle and ability to grow a human, I admit I loathe being pregnant. I eagerly look forward to labor, because it means pregnancy is almost over.

I used to feel very guilty about this. Having healthy, medically uncomplicated pregnancies is a privilege denied to many, and I felt like I should cherish every moment, not taking it for granted. But also, I need to acknowledge the suffering that occurs as my body and soul shift and sacrifice to form the baby within me.

It is not easy. It is not pleasant. But it is Good.

I’ve been looking to the church seasons as I try to balance this love of my child with the suffering of pregnancy. I’m reminded of Advent/the Nativity Fast: a time of preparation and anticipation. We await the coming of Christ and the hope He brings while also acknowledging the suffering and darkness of the broken world through prayer, fasting, and almsgiving.

It seems like everything in my life right now keeps cycling back to this dichotomy of joy and grief in life, the balance of laughter and lament, celebration and suffering.

So I ask for your prayers: for me, for Jake, and for Michael as I carry the cross of pregnancy. And for this new little one forming. We’re so excited to meet the one who will make our family a family of four.